When Winning Sometimes Feels Like Losing
by the real vampire
Summary: The winner takes it all; wasn’t that what the song said? But what is the price of success? When a marriage breaks down irrevocably, can anyone really come out of it the victor?


This story was a simple exercise intended to get me back into writing as I have been absent for quite a while. It was inspired in no small way by Abba's "The Winner Takes It All" but I only had a rough idea and once I started writing it took on a shape all of its own. It's not a happy drabble. Or meant to be particularly sad. It just is. Please enjoy. Hopefully I shall now be able to return to some of my other unfinished works.

_~the real vampire~_

* * *

**When Winning Sometimes Feels Like Losing**

The table stood between them, as immovable a barrier as the wedge that had been driven through their relationship. The room was hot, unbearably so in the height of the Californian summer and a ceiling fan turned lazily in the warm breeze that drifted in from the open window. It offered little respite from the oppressive heat. The two lawyers facing each other across the table were red faced and sweaty, a result of both the weather and the ongoing argument, this time about the sale of the house.

Kira tapped her fingers listlessly on the polished wooden surface letting the words wash over her unheeded. Her blouse stuck to her body uncomfortably and a trickle of sweat ran down the back of her neck. She realised she was holding herself rigid, her whole body tense. Sighing, she awkwardly shifted position on the hard chair and pulled her eyes from the papers in front of her; the black printed words burned into her memory from the first glance, solidifying the irreparable break up of her and the man she'd once loved. _Still loved_.

Letting her gaze drift she found herself looking unwilling at that man, sitting across from her, his head bowed as he shuffled through his own set of papers. A ghost of a smile passed over Kira's lips as she watched him push back a strand of his unruly hair, a gesture at once so familiar and yet so heart-wrenching as she knew she would never again be the one run to a hand through those brown locks.

Almost as if sensing her eyes upon him, Conner looked up, their hazel eyes meeting for the briefest of seconds before Kira yanked her gaze elsewhere. The drab walls, the fan on the ceiling, the lawyers' faces, out of the window to the perfect cornflower blue of a Californian summer sky... Anywhere, in fact, but to him.

Her gaze finally came to rest glumly again on the papers. SUPERIOR COURT OF CALIFORNIA, COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES; SUMMONS FOR DIVORCE. How had it come to this? Five years ago everything had seemed perfect. She had a wonderful house, good friends, a job she adored and she was married to a man she loved and who she thought loved her back. But things change, _people_ change and those things that had once brought them together became the very things that began to drive them apart. His passion for soccer. Her passion for music. Lives so busy that they soon barely had time for each other. Their disagreements which had seemed so trivial and meaningless before now became full on rows that left them not speaking for days on end. Oh they made up, they always did. But it was far from ideal. Then she fell pregnant and they pulled together, made things work and despite the cracks in their relationship they thought they were stronger than ever.

Until that one night, that one life-changing moment which ripped them apart. He'd told her to be careful, to wait for him to get home before trying to decorate but she had been so caught up in the happiness that came with the thought of being a mother that she hadn't heeded him. She'd been painting the nursery; they'd gone for a traditional pale yellow in lieu of knowing the sex of the baby, when she overbalanced on the stool she was standing on. She fell. When she came to in the hospital three days had passed and where there should have been a child living inside of her there was instead a sickly empty feeling. They tried to make things ok, but then Conner started staying out late after training sessions and spending more time away from her and their home. He met a girl while out clubbing one night. Kira couldn't blame him. She'd pushed him away and in response to her coldness he barely looked at her when they were together, let alone touch her. She could barely look at herself. And he'd found someone else to love, someone else to love him in return. The rest, as they say, is history and now here they were, sitting in a stifling room listening to their lawyers haggle out the details of their divorce.

She realised she'd drifted into a daze and had been subconsciously resting her hand on her stomach where for such a short time a future had been growing. Pulling her mind back to the present she found Conner's eyes still watching her and shook herself slightly for letting her show even a split second of weakness in front of him. This divorce had become a game, and not an amicable one at that. She was suing for divorce on the grounds of adultery; he'd tried to argue against it but realised he could not prevent this divorce from happening. Now they were just hammering out the details, their stubborn natures surfacing, neither one willing to grant the other an inch. But this had been going on for weeks now and if the truth be told Kira was tired of it all.

All this argument was getting them nowhere. "I've had enough." Kira's words over rode the murmur of the lawyers' debate. Both of them turned to her with puzzled expressions and a flash of surprise crossed Conner's face. She sighed, "I'm sick of all this. Anything he wants he can have. I don't care any more."

Uproar instantly broke out between the two lawyers; his trying to get Kira to sign a declaration of intent there and then; hers angry and trying to make her retract her words. When she refused to answer either, they turned on each other. Conner's voice suddenly cut through the arguing. He hadn't spoken loudly, instead with a quiet confidence that had silenced them. Kira realised he was talking directly to her. "If it's alright with Ki- _Ms. Ford_, I would like to talk to her in private?"

The two lawyers looked at her expectantly. She in return looked at Conner, trying to gauge his motives but his face was carefully blank. "Ok," she said softly. She stood as the lawyers did and watched them leave from behind her chair, one hand rested on her hip, the other rubbing her temple. As the door clicked behind the departing backs of the two men, she turned away to stare out the window over the city of Los Angeles, the sun reflecting off the glass buildings and mirrored windows that surrounded them.

"Ms. Ford?" Conner's soft tones made her turn back to the room.

She swallowed. "You can call me Kira. There's no need to be formal. The vultures have gone." She referred to the absent lawyers with distain.

Conner sighed. "What happened to us Kira? How have we come to this?" There was more than a touch of regret in his words and though they echoed her own earlier thoughts hearing those words from him only angered Kira. There was a long moment of silence, broken only by a fly buzzing in from the window and joining the fan in lazily circling the room.

"I don't want to talk about what's passed, Conner," Kira said, forcing her voice to be even. "It's history now."

"Even though it's still hurting us both? Even though… it's still hurting me?" There was a barely perceptible tremble in his confession. He was staring at her intently.

Kira tried to shrug off the feelings his words caused in her, "We've both played our hands and this is the result. Nothing more to say, no;" she gave a bitter laugh, "No more ace to play. I've given up, I give in. You've won. Take it all."

"What if I don't want it all?" There was more than a touch of bitterness in Conner's voice now too. "What if it's not worth the price of losing you?"

Anger surged through Kira at those words. "Losing me? Conner you've lost me. What we had is gone, it can't be replaced."

"Kira, I…"

"No Conner." Her words snapped out like a whip, shutting him up. "I was in your arms once. I thought I belonged there. After Trent and all the bad stuff that came with him I finally thought I was with someone I could trust. I thought it made sense to build a home, a life, a _family_ with you, but I was a fool." Kira realised she was shaking and her eyes felt moist; treacherous tears threatening to betray her previously calm façade. Conner stood with his head bowed, now unable or unwilling to meet her eyes. He could not answer the accusations that she hadn't give voice too but nevertheless hung in the air between them. She softened her tone but as she took a step towards him the words she spoke were the harshest she could muster; "Tell me, does she kiss you like I used to kiss you? Does she Conner? What about when she calls your name; does that make you feel like I made you feel? Does it…" Her voice trailed off as his raised his eyes to meet her and she saw that they too were wet with unshed tears.

"Kira…" He struggled to get the words free of the sudden constriction in his throat, "I don't… I…" He stared at her helplessly and as she once again made to turn away from him he burst out, "You must know I miss you. Somewhere inside, deep down, you must know that."

A heavy blanket of stillness fell over the room following Conner's words. They both stood frozen, their eyes locked together with unspoken, questioning words trying to flow between them. Kira felt the breeze lift her clammy blouse and her damp hair from the nape of her neck, but it gave no respite to the sudden claustrophobic sensation that threatened to stifle her. Conner took a step towards her and she felt all the hairs on her arms stand on end, her body once again tense, waiting. Conner slowly walked around the table and crossed the short distance towards her; each second passing feeling an hour, as if time was flowing through treacle. He stopped a mere arm's length from her. So close she could see the perspiration on his brow, a muscle twitching in his cheek and almost feel his breath on her face. So close… She could just reach out and touch him. Pull him close, allow her hands to encircle his neck, to run through his hair, to bring their faces together, their lips to touch, the softest of brushes that would turn into the deepest of kisses… Almost unwillingly she raised a hand to his face, letting her fingertips trace the line of his jaw before allowing her thumb to gently touch his lips. _The softest of brushes_… She swallowed hard and let her hand fall to rest on his chest.

"What am I now to you Conner?" There was no anger in her voice any more, just blank curiosity. "A lover? Or a friend?" He dropped his gaze and she allowed her hand to drop back to her side, removing that precious link of contact with him. He didn't answer her. Her eyes searched his face, looking for some sign that they weren't really over yet. But the more she looked, the more she realised they had become strangers. There were lines on his face that she'd never seen before. Conner looked older, greyer than she remembered and she realised that she hadn't looked at him properly in months. _Maybe even years_. She thought of something her mother had told her once, that a child was not the solution to a relationship already on the rocks. For the first time she was relieved that they had not brought a child into the world. This would have been so much harder to do. Kira smiled, "This isn't our destiny Conner. Us being together… What we've had was sometimes lovely, sometimes not so lovely, but I will remember it fondly. But perhaps the world has something else in store for us."

Conner snorted, "You know I don't believe in destiny, Kira. Our lives are what we make them."

Her smile widened, "I know you don't. But I do. And I'm sorry if talking to me right now makes you feel sad but this, this is for the best." She straightened her back and looked Conner square in the eyes, "I love you Conner. I always will but I'm not_ in_ love with you. Just promise me we'll remain friends. That's all I'll ask for from this settlement. That's the only thing I want from you; your friendship." She held out a hand to him.

With a sigh and a rueful smile he reached out to take her small hand in his large one. "I promise Kira."

She allowed their hands to touch for no more than a split second longer than was acceptable, then broke contact to turn to gather up her papers from the table. Folding them neatly she slipped them into her handbag before summoning a dazzling smile to her soon-to-be-ex husband, "I'll get my lawyer to draw up the final papers. Let's not drag this out or make it any more painful than it needs to be." He nodded and she stretched up to kiss him on the cheek. "This isn't goodbye, Conner so… See you later."

Conner grinned at her; the old, familiar smile that had once caused her knees to go to jelly now just spoke of friendship, "See you later, Kira." He watched as she walked carefully from the room, pausing at the door only long enough to give him a final, parting glance before stepping out of the room. Stepping out of the room and away from him and their marriage. He pulled a chair roughly from under the table and sat down heavily; regret hanging like a black cloak on his shoulders. Technically he'd won. No more arguments over the house, the car, the dog. No more lawyers; no more wife. He was free. He was victorious. The winner takes it all; wasn't that what the song said? But it didn't feel like he'd won.

Sometimes winning feels like losing, when the price of success is more than you wanted to pay.


End file.
